Euromasters – Alles Naar De Kl--te

You can find this awful music, but Euromasters were genius in not only 1) using new bassdrums, 2) have a fast(er) tempo, 3) adding nonsense vocals but also 4) increasing the tempo over 200 bpm in one of their versions of Alles Naar De Klote. The Rotterdam version is for me the prototype. They show all those evolutions what was happening around 1992-1993 in 'hardcore techno' in just one or two tracks in one release, en plus being conceptual.

Here is a list of infos I gathered of this track; not sure what should be included in the notes for the master release.

The direct cause for this release was the ongoing rivalry between Amsterdam and Rotterdam, and how the media even blew this up beyond proportion. So the producers decided to disguise themselves as countryside farmers, unaware of anything about urban life.
Artist name Harm Reefboer: "boer" is Dutch for "farmer", "reef" is Dutch phonetic spelling for "rave", and Harm was a popular first name on the countryside (there even was a song named "Boer Harms", about a farmer who loved disco).
Artist name Teun Hooihouse: I guess "house" is obvious, "hooi" is Dutch for "hay" and Teun was another popular first name on the countryside.
Studio de Reefschuur: "schuur" is Dutch for "shed".

The title "Alles Naar De Kl--te" is actually a censored version of "Alles Naar De Klote". The censored version of the title is only heard on the radio version (more about that later). Title means something like "(destroy) everything to utter mess".
Both the 7" and the 12"/CDM contain a "Rotterdam mix" but these are different. The version on the 7" will be named "radio version" further in this text.

The Rotterdam mix starts with sounds of a horse carriage ("Hu peerd" is Dutch slang to put a horse to a standstill).
"Rotterdam? Amsterdam? Ik weet allebei nie waar da lech, of da-da bestaat..." this dialogue is about being unaware of any big cities in our country.
Dimitri is questioned; this is supposed to be popular Amsterdam house DJ Dimitri Kneppers. He is offered a little house record, surely of his liking, maybe he would like to remix it. After Dimitri is requested to listen closely, the mayhem starts.
"Mien, haal de koeien van stal" is a typical Dutch line heard on the countryside and means "Mien, get those cows out of the stable!". The line is followed by cow sounds done by humans.
"Wij doen niet mee aan de moduh" means "We do not follow the fashion" and is not only a statement of not following what goes on regarding house music in Amsterdam, but also a pun towards Amsterdam as our country's fashion capital.
At the end of the track, we hear "Wat denk je? Zal Robin hem draaien?". This means "what do you think, will Robin play it?". This refers to Robin Albers and his then popular radio show "For Those Who Like To Groove" which also used to contain rave but was drifting towards more melodic house and club.

The radio version starts with a similar dialogue, but now, Radio 3 (Dutch pop music station) DJs Jeroen van Inkel and Erik de Zwart are subject to their request: playing the tune on the radio. Other distorted sounds are used but the effect is the same.
As I said, the title is censored. This is not true censorship, but rather the sound of a turntable needle derailing at the word "klote". This was done as a reaction to dance music shows on Radio 3 who refused to program hardcore records with the excuse that upon playing these hardcore records, the turntable needle broke down (a CD version was usually a thing of the future in those days = there was no such thing as Thunderdome yet).
"Ik dachgut wel" means "I really think so" and was a popular line in the top 40 broadcasts on Radio 3.
At the end, we hear: "Da's een machtig mooie Alarmschijf. Punt uit!". This means: "This is a mighty beautiful Alarmschijf, period!"
Alarmschijf is the weekly pick of the most promising record that bubbles under the top 40. This pick receives more than average rotation.

The "Mode Mix" on international releases is equal to "Wij Doen Niet Mee Aan De Moduh". This repeats the word "mode" (fashion) over the track.

The "Ik Dachgut Wel" version is a sort of extended radio version, without most of the dialogue.

Not sure who G.J. de Jong was/is. Probably the local dentist. The version named after him only contains the distorted sounds usually heard at a dentist, not any vocals.

The 250 BPM versions actually run that fast; this is not a joke. The original runs at 170 BPM.
The "250 BPM - Oef" is a sped up version of the "Mode mix", just a bit different.
Of course, we will never know if Dimitri Kneppers actually did the mix named after him... ;)
This mix contains patterns running at half the speed; 125 BPM was the typical tempo of an Amsterdam house record.

"Effe Luusteren" is slang for "just listen". This is only a loop of "Dan moe-j 'ns eev'n luusteren Dimitri" (means "now you gotta listen a bit, Dimitri") interrupted by sound effects. This version does not contain any (repetitive) beats and can be regarded as a sarcastic approach to ambient house (house that was made to listen to in your living room or sleeping room).

The song title was also used for the first ever Dutch movie about house music, "Naar De Klote" (English title "Wasted"), which was made in 1997.
The Dutch phrase "naar de klote gaan" is usually expressed when someone is suffering from a bad trip after taking drugs, or if someone's life is falling to pieces after a series of unfortunate events (divorce, dismissal, getting homeless, drug addiction, bankruptcy).
In line with the movie, new versions were made. One of them is de "Nichten" mix which contains the lines "Alles Naar De Filistijnen" en "Alles Naar De Ratsmodee". These are synonymous descriptions but indeed more euphemistic and also more usually heard in Amsterdam.
For this occasion, a music video was recorded for the song.

Fun fact: one of the largest, if not the largest, Dutch internet meme(s) 'Sjon stop je hand in me reet' is based on 'Alles Naar De Kl##te (Nichten)'.

Total classic of course. The Dimitri verse at the start is legendary. Safe to say it also contains the first speedcore track "Alles Naar De Kl--te (250 BPM Remix By Dimitri)". Nuff said..

The funny thing is that one of the two producers of this single, Teun Hooihouse, also signed for Mokum slightly later with its only second release MOK 2 (Hooihouse - Pien An De Eure). Does that speak for a real rivalry? You decide. The sound of both releases is similar, very distorted and noisy, sometimes a mess.

For me this record is all about the radio version and remarkably this is the only "Alles Naar De Kl- -te" record which contains this version. The dialogue in this version is a bit different than the original rotterdam version. In this version two famous Dutch radio DJ's are being asked to play the song on the radio in stead of DJ Dimitri being asked to remix it. And well they did eventually, because it came in the Dutch Top 40 and Mega Top 50. But allthough it stood in the hitlists for a few weeks it didn't receive that much airplay. I heard it only two, maybe three times being played on the national radio channels.

The second Euromasters release reflected the fact that house and techno were big city music styles, so the "band" disguised themselves as back country farmers on horseback ("hu peerd" in the intro) trying to get their house record plugged ("we also made a nice little house tune, you'd certainly like it...").

The main release spoofs DJ Dimitri (Kneppers), an Amsterdam house DJ who was very popular in Dutch clubland at the time this was recorded. He is offered to make a remix...
For the radio version, two popular Dutch radio jocks (Jeroen van Inkel en Erik de Zwart) are subject to a similar joke: playing the record on the radio...

When you listen to this "maximum number of distorted sounds per second" (as it was reviewed in several dance music magazines), you wouldn't believe the record actually charted. It entered the Dutch Top 40 November 1992, remaining there for 4 weeks and stalling at No. 30 (a feat DJ Dimitri never accomplished...).

Tip: (try to) listen to "Effe Luusteren" (which means "just listen") through an earphone...

The track is said to be giving the name of the Dutch movie "Naar De Klote" (1997), which is all about the Dutch house scene during the nineties. The track was remixed for the soundtrack and is played in the movie when a riot is going on and lots of vinyl records are trashed.

What can be said about this. It's completely of it's time. The cover work has been abused and used numerous time in the midwest (Milwaukee in particular).
Possibly one of the more annoying records to come out which is why it is beautiful and should be played a lot more.
Everything is bollocks.
and jumping around like a loon is okay.